DRIVE
February 05, 2012
Excuse me while I take a moment to bash what was quite possibly the worst movie of 2011. Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. In fact, I never have. But this movie deserves it because it was hailed as an exceptional movie when it hit theatres.
"Drive", starring Ryan Gosling.
For starters, the movie features very little driving, with the exception of one scene near the very end, and even that scene sucked more than Pamela Anderson in a porno. There are a couple scenes, max 1 minute long, which feature Gosling driving with a woman, played by Carey Mulligan. These scenes feature no dialogue; they drive in a straight line in a horribly unimaginative scene, and do nothing once the driving ends.
Second thing: Gosling is perhaps the worst actor in the history of Hollywood. I don't care if he acts differently in other films – and he very well might – but I have no intention of ever, EVER, watching another Gosling film based solely on his performance in "Drive". I give most people, things, and experiences second chances, but Gosling choked so bad in this movie, I was running through suicide options in my head. But I was in a theatre and, well, jamming a straw through my head didn't seem very feasible. So I did the next best thing, dreamt of imaginative ways Gosling's character could die in the movie; my favorite idea was keelhauling.
Seriously, the guy blew more than the Kansas wind.
1. He was emotionless and expressionless through 99-percent of the movie.
2. He took FOREVER to respond after, say, Mulligan said her line. She'd say something like "You look good today," and you'd be sitting in your seat counting the minutes until Gosling would respond. 1 minute, 2 minutes. Finally, he would acknowledge that his co-star did in fact say her line, but not by uttering a line of his own, oh no that'd just be too damn enjoyable, so what's he do? He simply smiles or nods his head.
Honestly, for the first half of the movie I wanted his character to take a leap of faith off a skyscraper; for the second half I wanted to myself, knowing full well that I could not erase the memory of this movie from my brain.
My eyes were raped by this movie. It's the very epitome of "shitacular movie." If you want to see the very worst of what Hollywood offered the world in 2011, watch "Drive". Don't say I didn't warn you.
